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57. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
58. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
59. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
60. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
61. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
62. First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
63. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
64. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
65. If you can read this, the bitch fell off… [Seen on the back of a biker's vest]
66. Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
67. During s€x, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
68. A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.
69. Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter
. 70. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
71. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
72. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
73. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
74. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
75. By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
76. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
77. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
78. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
79. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
80. Opinions are indeed like assholes, some are just bigger than others.
81. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.