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26. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
27. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
29. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him “Sum Ting Wong”
. 30. Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
31. You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘F*ck it – just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.
32. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
33. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
34. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
35. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
36. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
37. I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”
38. Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
39. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
40. Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.
41. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
42. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
43. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
44. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
45. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
46. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
47. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedali ophobia: Fear of long words.
48. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
49. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
50. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable… like a coma.