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3. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you’ve seen it.
4. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
5. Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… so I said “Implants?”
7. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
10. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.
11. Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
12. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
13. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
14. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
16. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
17. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
18. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
19. Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
21. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
22. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
24. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
25. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.